Thursday, May 22

How to bail your friend out of jail

A public service courtesy of Yup-Town. Because, as the previous post details, you just might need it during the debacle that is Speed Street. (People were drunk on Tryon street by lunch this afternoon. Head out of the office for fried turkey legs at your own risk.)

1) When he (or she) is in the process of being arrested, do not interfere. Even if you're 100 percent sure of his innocence, there is nothing you can do to help, no matter how well you explain what happened. But you can piss off the cops.

2) Once the situation looks relatively calm, cautiously and politely approach the officers and ask for an estimate on what time your friend will be ready to be bailed out, and where you can pick him up (this will almost certainly be 801 E 4th Street; 704-336-8100).

3) In any case, let your friend know you will be there first thing to get him out. This makes it a lot easier on him throughout.

4) Even if the officers won't give you an exact estimate, it's going to be at least four hours before he gets "processed." But don't try and go home and go to sleep, then wake up and take care of it. If you oversleep, your friend will be in a world of trouble.

5) Try the Pita Pit on Tryon to keep yourself busy; it's open until 4am.

6) Once you get to the jail, prepare to spend the majority of your time waiting for the magistrate, the person responsible for setting and receiving your friend's bail. This takes place in a large waiting room inside the building. Usually, you're just waiting in line for the magistrate to show up.

7) The first time the magistrate shows up, she might not even know who your friend is yet. Get in line, repeat.

8) Around this point your friend might start trying to call your cell phone from the pay phone in the jail (local calls only; if he's well behaved, they'll let him pull some numbers out of his cell before they take it away). You'll be yelled at if you answer. Run outside and reassure him.

9) When you finally get something worthwhile from the magistrate about bail, remember that it's cash only. They'll tell you where the nearest ATM is.

10) When you pick your friend up, greet him with your camera phone. But try to wait a few days before really rubbing it in.

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