Stealing from Harris Teeter: why not?

I was picking up dinner during the after-work rush at the uptown Harris Teeter one evening last week--minding my own business, groping fruit--when I witnessed a shoplifting in progress. But first, let me set the scene.

Teeter is at its busiest from about 5 to 7 pm on weekdays, along with Sundays right before the 1 pm football games. (Yes, I will say Teeter from now on, at the risk of sounding like a prick.) This is probably the best time to steal, as the sole security guard (still can't tell whether he's a real cop or not) is at his most distracted.

The uptown Teeter has a few different guards, but one who's there most of the time. It's a well-known fact, and constant source of amusement, that he rotates between four different tasks throughout his shift:

1) smelling the flowers
2) talking to pretty girls
3) moving shopping baskets from the checkout counter to the pile near the door
4) folding both arms behind his back and staring up at the sky or ceiling

Occasionally, he carries out task 4 while strolling aimlessly through the store. As it happened, he was next to me in the fruit section when the deli girl ran up and related in a hurried whisper that she had seen the grungy looking kid next to the customer service counter (and within striking distance of the back exit) put some food into his pocket.

I watched the guard's face change from somewhat interested (slight eyebrow raise) to disappointed (slight eyebrow furrow) to downright sad (frown). Then I looked at the culprit and laughed out loud. He had a blond crew cut and chin-strap, tremendously baggy jeans, and an unseasonably large and puffy vest over a dirty white t-shirt. He was pretending to stand in the customer service line, but contemplating a break for the door. His vest and jeans were bursting with food.

The guard strolled between the kid and the exit, then stood there against the wall, crippled by indecision. He just stared at the kid--not in any menacing way--and tried to figure out what to do. Eventually, the frustrated deli girl stomped over and began whispering in his ear again. At that point the kid finally caught on and walked away from the exit, trying to keep his cool.

The guard stayed put, and the kid made his first right into the salad dressing aisle. I followed him and watched as he frantically stuffed the items in his pockets behind bottles of dressing. The guard eventually made his way over, at which point the friend I was with shouted "He's right there, man!" and pointed at the kid. The guard just looked at her curiously. It started feeling pretty awkward, so we walked away and got in line.

After a minute, I went back to the aisle to see what had happened. The kid was gone, but there was the guard--arms folded behind his back, staring up at the ceiling as he ambled past the bottles that hid all the contraband.

Maybe the guard has a soft spot for dirty teenage shoplifters. Maybe he's unbelievably lazy. In any case, if you're down on your luck, or just up for a quick thrill, try pocketing some food at the uptown Harris Teeter. You have nothing to lose.