Alive After Five: it's back

Yup-Town's signature event returned in full force to Wachovia Plaza yesterday.

For anyone not in the know, every Thursday evening from now until it gets too cold there will be a free concert in the plaza, usually some type of cover band. Tents will sell overpriced bottles of domestic beer. The plaza will be packed with well-dressed people showing off and avoiding those they don't want to have to say hello to. It's a great time.

Here are some helpful hints.

There is a caste system at Alive After Five.

For men:

At the bottom are the people wearing jeans or shorts. Who invited those guys? Go back to NoDa.

Next is the khaki-pants-and-polo-shirts crowd. Nice try. That's not what real people wear to successful jobs.

The middle caste wears standard business casual. They have their best shot with the girls wearing jeans and high heels. Smart to accesorize with expensive-looking watches and neat shoes. A five-o-clock shadow means you're lazy, not too busy to shave.

Near the top are the suits. Take off your tie and unbutton the top of your fancy shirt. This suggests you came right from an important job, are looking for a good time, and will definitely pay for drinks. The suits have their pick of most females. Every man not wearing a suit looks at them with trepidation and envy. Except the guys in the jeans and shorts. They're too drunk to understand. If you're just wearing a blue blazer, that's kind of weird, and it might seem like you're showing off.

The highest caste are the men who had the leeway to return to their uptown condo and change into classy casual attire. Nice chinos, a pastel button-down, and leather sandals or boat shoes signify a man of leisure. They often show up with a lady in tow.

For women:

It doesn't really matter. There are so many freakin' men.

The classic "I-want-to-marry-a-banker" look. A shiny, expensive-looking dress, just short and revealing enough to convey the following: You can probably take me home tonight if I think you're successful and attractive enough, but I'm a classy girl and don't do that for just anyone, so you should feel extremely lucky, and compelled to date me, if it happens.

The standard currency for any Yup-Town gala. Tickets. First you buy the tickets, then you use the tickets to buy the beer (or tiny clear plastic cups of wine). Tickets cost $4 apiece (please tip your ticket-tender). But a Bud Light only costs one ticket (please tip your bartender)!

Can you sneak liquor in? Yes. Use a flask (not plastic), and buy a small bottle of coke. But you're letting everyone know you can't afford to get drunk off $4 beers.

The proper way to show you're down with the funky music from the band. Every once in a while, nod your head, slightly, to what you have identified as "the beat."

Dancing? Don't even think about it.

How to pass through a tight crowd (of mostly men, who have been drinking). Confidence is key. Clap your hand on the shoulder of the biggest guy in the group you need to get through and say, loud enough to be heard clearly over the music, "Excuse me." Stare straight ahead, through the group. Try this with the short guy, and he'll think he's being picked on. The big guy has nothing to prove.

Most polite and effective way to blow off someone you know who catches your eye. A short, aggressive nod, coupled with a knowing furrowing of the eyebrows. Don't make eye contact for more than a three count.

Now, enjoy.