Bizarre courtship rituals: part one

Thirteen steps for a last-ditch hook-up attempt

On a recent Saturday night around 1 am, I am sitting with some friends in a booth at Stool Pigeon's. To the left of us are two tables, about the only ones left with any people.

One has a group of four drunk girls--not bad looking, but nothing overwhelming--and a small, wiry guy in a red polo shirt. His eyes dart around frantically, and every time another male passes he makes an overt, awkward gesture at the girl to his right, who is apparently his girlfriend. When we look at her, he glares at us.

At the other table are two guys wearing baseball caps, cargoes and pastel shirts. We catch one of them mouthing the words when a Dave Matthews song comes on. They start to formulate a game plan. Here is how it plays out.

1. Order two shots of Jägermeister. Look each other solemnly in the eyes, clank the shot glasses, bang them once on the table, shoot them, cough, wipe mouths.

2. Deep breath.

3. The burden falls on he who is closest. Lean partially into the conversation at the other table and laugh at the first joke you hear. When the nearest girl notices you, begin talking to her. Ask some open ended questions; laugh first to let her know when you're trying to be funny.

4. The wingman must now inject himself into the conversation. Everything is going according to plan. He, too, must make a loud joke or humorous observation.

5. Shake hands with the man in the red polo shirt. Now he cannot stop you.

6. The man in the red polo shirt stands up and announces that the girl sitting to his right is his girlfriend. This is unexpected by all parties. Brush it off.

7. In ten minutes, with conversation now brought to an uncomfortable lull, give the girls what they really want. Jäger shots. Yes, buy one for the man in the polo shirt as well. But first double check that he wants one too, to make him understand his imposition.

8. Clink your shot with all the girls', spilling as little as possible onto your hand. Take shot. Wipe hand on pants.

9. The shots didn't help. Bring out your camera phones. This gives you the chance to put your arm around someone.

10. Oh no. The girls all get together, and one of you has to take the picture. You do not want to be the one taking the picture. Pretend to have a great time either way.

11. No luck. Red polo shirt exerts his considerable command over the group of girls and rushes out the door with them. They don't resist.

12. Survey the bar. The waitress is cute. And she is required to give you your bill. Leave a huge tip. Walk up to her to pay it, instead of letting her come to your table. Be aggressive. Ask her how she is doing.

13. She thanks you and runs behind the bar. Leave quietly, but confidently.